i wish i m dead.

#11 happily never after

when the world crumbled into pieces right before my eyes, the debris struck me at the back of my head, causing me to fall flat and unconscious. i'm immobilized for awhile. the world now to me is pitch black, as numb as i could be, i have no idea why do i still feel the pain.

i would think that tomorrow might be a better day, but i'm living each day so miserably. like a child, i wish i wasnt disappointed. i wish i never knew how is it like to feel hurt. there are just so much feelings waiting impatiently to be spilled.

i spoke to god, i told him how painful i m in my interrupted sleep. he stood there saying nothing. i found myself crawling towards him with that huge debris still on my back. my blood flows faster den the rapids from the river. i couldnt care less. i can only hear myself calling out to him, "save me... save me... please... save me..." he doesnt seem to hear me. i cried hard, i called out louder. i stretched my hands hoping he can lift me up from where i was. but all i can feel is just the air... the cold lonely air.

is this hell? it certainly felt so. repent... repent... but what have i done to bring me here? am i in a state of depression? if not... why am i feeling so? if love is the power to everything... why am i feeling powerless now? you said you love me. you said you do. what must i do to be in ur new world? what can i say to make you love me once again.

ouch... the pain in my heart is immense. i have noone to turn to. all i ever wanted is to be happy. all i ever wanted is to love. its real. why cant you see.

all i m... here crying to myself. all i wish is for you to be here for me... telling me that everything would be fine. to tell me that you love me.

i just wan a simple, happy self.

#10 The closest thing to crazy

my heart beats to the closest beat that is close to crazy. tears pounding like raindrops pouring down from heaven. every tinge of smell in the air means loneliness. i wish i am dead.

i prayed hard day and night... praying for something that god himself may not have intended for it to exist. oh boy... i can speak nothing... think nothing of anything now except pain.

it hurts so much... and i'm so miserable.

i wish i am dead.

#9 ermmm.

just came across mike's msn nick saying "every fucking day is a fucking bad day". and i was relating that to my very own life. is everyday in my life really that bad? or is it just a phase that have screened all the other good times that i had before. it makes me wonder so much of what has happened lately.

i have spoken to a couple of my better frens and they simply told me that i should just move on. they can sense the burden that i carry, the pain that is going on within myself. when i look into the mirror each time, i could see how wearied i am. what has become of me? i wished i haven had those thoughts that are all just about my miseries, of cos not, i'm not that miserable. i'm very appreciative that there are couple of good frens around me who had been lending me their listening ears. its just that some other times, when i used to think back on the decisions we have made in life, i just couldn't help but to feel dismayed.

caught something on daily bread a couple of days ago saying how pple would run away from their problems like a child watching horror movies. i wished i am just a child and everything else now is just part of the horror movie.

the amount of disappointment i have for myself, as much as those that others have given me, weighs me. my cell leader told me that i could rest my burden with god and i really wish i could. i m trying. despite all, i know this experience is part of a greater plan. i will emerge stronger like how i had been before.

but as for now... i m speechless. like tt lost child who needs a sense of belonging, in search of a direction.

#8 haha... what a joke

dearest diary... my life... is a joke.

at this very point of time... i am at a lost of words. there are so much more going on in me but i just do not know how should i phrase it.

maybe... maybe...

i shouldnt have put too much hope on it. =)

#7 feelings.

i'm really not happy. maybe its the expectations that i have in life and in a partner... on top of that the expectations that i have for myself. its like i learnt that there are many things in life that no matter how hard you try or wish that it will happen, often, ends up the other way.

i'm really feeling down.

do you even know?

#6 a simple letter to you

its already my 6th letter to you. time flies when we're looking back at our past, but why does it feel so slow as we're living life, i do not know.

its a cold morning. i suppose it'll only get colder. freezing me... and my heart.

whatever... forget it... probably thats the least that the most of us can say? it sounds easier i guess. and perhaps it weighs much lighter than those heavy words of Never, Always and Forever.

i'm like a depleted mine... of no use to anyone anymore.

Make me pure

Robbie Williams

So I sing a song
To reel 'em in
It's a song I sung before
And a song I'm gonna sing again
I mean every word
I don't mean a single one of them
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

Tell a joke
Tell it twice
If no one else is laughing then why am i?
I split my sides both times and laugh till i cry
Oh Lord, please make me pure
- but not yet

I don't have to try
I just dial it in
I've never found a job that for me was worth bothering
I got a ton of selfish genes and lazy bones
Beneath this skin
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

Smoking kills
Sex sells
I've got one hand in my pocket but the other one looks cool as hell
I know I'm gonna die so my revenge is living well
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

I stopped praying
So I hope this song will do
I wrote it all for you
I'm not perfect but you don't mind that, do you?
I know you're there to pull me through, aren't you?

So I look for love
I like the search
And I'll be standing for election all across the known universe
every president get the country she deserves
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

And I've been seeing
Somebody's wife
She said she'd leave him for me and I said that wasn't wise
You can't lie to a liar because of all lies
Oh Lord, please make me pure
- not yet