#9 ermmm.

just came across mike's msn nick saying "every fucking day is a fucking bad day". and i was relating that to my very own life. is everyday in my life really that bad? or is it just a phase that have screened all the other good times that i had before. it makes me wonder so much of what has happened lately.

i have spoken to a couple of my better frens and they simply told me that i should just move on. they can sense the burden that i carry, the pain that is going on within myself. when i look into the mirror each time, i could see how wearied i am. what has become of me? i wished i haven had those thoughts that are all just about my miseries, of cos not, i'm not that miserable. i'm very appreciative that there are couple of good frens around me who had been lending me their listening ears. its just that some other times, when i used to think back on the decisions we have made in life, i just couldn't help but to feel dismayed.

caught something on daily bread a couple of days ago saying how pple would run away from their problems like a child watching horror movies. i wished i am just a child and everything else now is just part of the horror movie.

the amount of disappointment i have for myself, as much as those that others have given me, weighs me. my cell leader told me that i could rest my burden with god and i really wish i could. i m trying. despite all, i know this experience is part of a greater plan. i will emerge stronger like how i had been before.

but as for now... i m speechless. like tt lost child who needs a sense of belonging, in search of a direction.

#8 haha... what a joke

dearest diary... my life... is a joke.

at this very point of time... i am at a lost of words. there are so much more going on in me but i just do not know how should i phrase it.

maybe... maybe...

i shouldnt have put too much hope on it. =)

#7 feelings.

i'm really not happy. maybe its the expectations that i have in life and in a partner... on top of that the expectations that i have for myself. its like i learnt that there are many things in life that no matter how hard you try or wish that it will happen, often, ends up the other way.

i'm really feeling down.

do you even know?

#6 a simple letter to you

its already my 6th letter to you. time flies when we're looking back at our past, but why does it feel so slow as we're living life, i do not know.

its a cold morning. i suppose it'll only get colder. freezing me... and my heart.

whatever... forget it... probably thats the least that the most of us can say? it sounds easier i guess. and perhaps it weighs much lighter than those heavy words of Never, Always and Forever.

i'm like a depleted mine... of no use to anyone anymore.

Make me pure

Robbie Williams

So I sing a song
To reel 'em in
It's a song I sung before
And a song I'm gonna sing again
I mean every word
I don't mean a single one of them
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

Tell a joke
Tell it twice
If no one else is laughing then why am i?
I split my sides both times and laugh till i cry
Oh Lord, please make me pure
- but not yet

I don't have to try
I just dial it in
I've never found a job that for me was worth bothering
I got a ton of selfish genes and lazy bones
Beneath this skin
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

Smoking kills
Sex sells
I've got one hand in my pocket but the other one looks cool as hell
I know I'm gonna die so my revenge is living well
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

I stopped praying
So I hope this song will do
I wrote it all for you
I'm not perfect but you don't mind that, do you?
I know you're there to pull me through, aren't you?

So I look for love
I like the search
And I'll be standing for election all across the known universe
every president get the country she deserves
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

And I've been seeing
Somebody's wife
She said she'd leave him for me and I said that wasn't wise
You can't lie to a liar because of all lies
Oh Lord, please make me pure
- not yet

#5 an answer?

apparently, it takes alot of true feelings, wants and needs to consent to the answer i need. just a simple few words are so powerful that it takes one so much to speak. worse still if they dont even know the question in the first place.

last night was a struggle. honestly. thoughts of me dumping everything aside and live a secluded life keeps ringing up my brains. cos only den i dont need to worry that someone will dump me when i am bald, neither do i need to worry that someone will leave me for another, nor do i have to worry about how much you need and love me. in the first place, i dont even need the answer at all.

though everything comes with the pros and the cons. just when i am freed from those worries, i will never understand the meaning of a true love.

my heart aches for me.

#4 partnership

today is prolly one of the few days that i would feel cold and lonely.

jason and amos are not around in the morning. i had my breakfast alone. Queuing up at the beehoon stall, all by myself. no big deal anyway, but nobody seem to notice. which pins a tinge of loneliness in me. i hate to be alone.

most of my lunch buddies are not around today either. the weather's so cold. i bumped into hazel at the lift lobby, it felt as if there is a kind of invisible barrier between us. i feel awkward. like we have totally nothing to talk about anymore ever since. i kept quiet. just so that time can tide this through, perhaps its just better for the both of us.

less talk, less misunderstandings.

most of us would dream to have someone to share our thicks and thins with. someone who can tell you i love you and i need you regardless under what circumstances. someone who can reassure you all the time, relentlessly, telling you that you are ALWAYS in his/her heart, NEVER to leave you. i'm no exception. there are things that i dont know how to tell you, and so i chose not to. i wish that things can happen just the way we wished that it will be.

if only there is a someone who is able to convince me with those words.

nevertheless, i will not regret the decisions i have made.

#3 all that i need to know

all that i needed is to know that you love me, you need me and you'll never leave me no matter what. never is a strong word, and only a love that strong can take those words out from your heart through your mouth. and above all, i wan to know that you will be happy.

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13

if i ever have the chance to slide that ring into your finger, we, the both of us, shall fulfill this enchanting prophecy.

as for now, i dunno where to go. waiting for an answer that you have not spoken. looking for an assurance that you are not ready to give. i'm can only keep my distance. for no words is better than wrong words. no action is better than wrong actions.

situations changed me. i think. i dun wanna lose faith. but every step that you have held my hands to, leads me there. i've changed.