i wish i m dead.

#11 happily never after

when the world crumbled into pieces right before my eyes, the debris struck me at the back of my head, causing me to fall flat and unconscious. i'm immobilized for awhile. the world now to me is pitch black, as numb as i could be, i have no idea why do i still feel the pain.

i would think that tomorrow might be a better day, but i'm living each day so miserably. like a child, i wish i wasnt disappointed. i wish i never knew how is it like to feel hurt. there are just so much feelings waiting impatiently to be spilled.

i spoke to god, i told him how painful i m in my interrupted sleep. he stood there saying nothing. i found myself crawling towards him with that huge debris still on my back. my blood flows faster den the rapids from the river. i couldnt care less. i can only hear myself calling out to him, "save me... save me... please... save me..." he doesnt seem to hear me. i cried hard, i called out louder. i stretched my hands hoping he can lift me up from where i was. but all i can feel is just the air... the cold lonely air.

is this hell? it certainly felt so. repent... repent... but what have i done to bring me here? am i in a state of depression? if not... why am i feeling so? if love is the power to everything... why am i feeling powerless now? you said you love me. you said you do. what must i do to be in ur new world? what can i say to make you love me once again.

ouch... the pain in my heart is immense. i have noone to turn to. all i ever wanted is to be happy. all i ever wanted is to love. its real. why cant you see.

all i m... here crying to myself. all i wish is for you to be here for me... telling me that everything would be fine. to tell me that you love me.

i just wan a simple, happy self.

#10 The closest thing to crazy

my heart beats to the closest beat that is close to crazy. tears pounding like raindrops pouring down from heaven. every tinge of smell in the air means loneliness. i wish i am dead.

i prayed hard day and night... praying for something that god himself may not have intended for it to exist. oh boy... i can speak nothing... think nothing of anything now except pain.

it hurts so much... and i'm so miserable.

i wish i am dead.

#9 ermmm.

just came across mike's msn nick saying "every fucking day is a fucking bad day". and i was relating that to my very own life. is everyday in my life really that bad? or is it just a phase that have screened all the other good times that i had before. it makes me wonder so much of what has happened lately.

i have spoken to a couple of my better frens and they simply told me that i should just move on. they can sense the burden that i carry, the pain that is going on within myself. when i look into the mirror each time, i could see how wearied i am. what has become of me? i wished i haven had those thoughts that are all just about my miseries, of cos not, i'm not that miserable. i'm very appreciative that there are couple of good frens around me who had been lending me their listening ears. its just that some other times, when i used to think back on the decisions we have made in life, i just couldn't help but to feel dismayed.

caught something on daily bread a couple of days ago saying how pple would run away from their problems like a child watching horror movies. i wished i am just a child and everything else now is just part of the horror movie.

the amount of disappointment i have for myself, as much as those that others have given me, weighs me. my cell leader told me that i could rest my burden with god and i really wish i could. i m trying. despite all, i know this experience is part of a greater plan. i will emerge stronger like how i had been before.

but as for now... i m speechless. like tt lost child who needs a sense of belonging, in search of a direction.

#8 haha... what a joke

dearest diary... my life... is a joke.

at this very point of time... i am at a lost of words. there are so much more going on in me but i just do not know how should i phrase it.

maybe... maybe...

i shouldnt have put too much hope on it. =)

#7 feelings.

i'm really not happy. maybe its the expectations that i have in life and in a partner... on top of that the expectations that i have for myself. its like i learnt that there are many things in life that no matter how hard you try or wish that it will happen, often, ends up the other way.

i'm really feeling down.

do you even know?

#6 a simple letter to you

its already my 6th letter to you. time flies when we're looking back at our past, but why does it feel so slow as we're living life, i do not know.

its a cold morning. i suppose it'll only get colder. freezing me... and my heart.

whatever... forget it... probably thats the least that the most of us can say? it sounds easier i guess. and perhaps it weighs much lighter than those heavy words of Never, Always and Forever.

i'm like a depleted mine... of no use to anyone anymore.

Make me pure

Robbie Williams

So I sing a song
To reel 'em in
It's a song I sung before
And a song I'm gonna sing again
I mean every word
I don't mean a single one of them
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

Tell a joke
Tell it twice
If no one else is laughing then why am i?
I split my sides both times and laugh till i cry
Oh Lord, please make me pure
- but not yet

I don't have to try
I just dial it in
I've never found a job that for me was worth bothering
I got a ton of selfish genes and lazy bones
Beneath this skin
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

Smoking kills
Sex sells
I've got one hand in my pocket but the other one looks cool as hell
I know I'm gonna die so my revenge is living well
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

I stopped praying
So I hope this song will do
I wrote it all for you
I'm not perfect but you don't mind that, do you?
I know you're there to pull me through, aren't you?

So I look for love
I like the search
And I'll be standing for election all across the known universe
every president get the country she deserves
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

And I've been seeing
Somebody's wife
She said she'd leave him for me and I said that wasn't wise
You can't lie to a liar because of all lies
Oh Lord, please make me pure
- not yet

#5 an answer?

apparently, it takes alot of true feelings, wants and needs to consent to the answer i need. just a simple few words are so powerful that it takes one so much to speak. worse still if they dont even know the question in the first place.

last night was a struggle. honestly. thoughts of me dumping everything aside and live a secluded life keeps ringing up my brains. cos only den i dont need to worry that someone will dump me when i am bald, neither do i need to worry that someone will leave me for another, nor do i have to worry about how much you need and love me. in the first place, i dont even need the answer at all.

though everything comes with the pros and the cons. just when i am freed from those worries, i will never understand the meaning of a true love.

my heart aches for me.

#4 partnership

today is prolly one of the few days that i would feel cold and lonely.

jason and amos are not around in the morning. i had my breakfast alone. Queuing up at the beehoon stall, all by myself. no big deal anyway, but nobody seem to notice. which pins a tinge of loneliness in me. i hate to be alone.

most of my lunch buddies are not around today either. the weather's so cold. i bumped into hazel at the lift lobby, it felt as if there is a kind of invisible barrier between us. i feel awkward. like we have totally nothing to talk about anymore ever since. i kept quiet. just so that time can tide this through, perhaps its just better for the both of us.

less talk, less misunderstandings.

most of us would dream to have someone to share our thicks and thins with. someone who can tell you i love you and i need you regardless under what circumstances. someone who can reassure you all the time, relentlessly, telling you that you are ALWAYS in his/her heart, NEVER to leave you. i'm no exception. there are things that i dont know how to tell you, and so i chose not to. i wish that things can happen just the way we wished that it will be.

if only there is a someone who is able to convince me with those words.

nevertheless, i will not regret the decisions i have made.

#3 all that i need to know

all that i needed is to know that you love me, you need me and you'll never leave me no matter what. never is a strong word, and only a love that strong can take those words out from your heart through your mouth. and above all, i wan to know that you will be happy.

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13

if i ever have the chance to slide that ring into your finger, we, the both of us, shall fulfill this enchanting prophecy.

as for now, i dunno where to go. waiting for an answer that you have not spoken. looking for an assurance that you are not ready to give. i'm can only keep my distance. for no words is better than wrong words. no action is better than wrong actions.

situations changed me. i think. i dun wanna lose faith. but every step that you have held my hands to, leads me there. i've changed.

#2 Grace

its been a not so eventful weekend. spent my saturday and sunday in school, cracking my head on the subject that i hated most when i was in poly, accounting. i still remembered that my balance sheet never seems to be balanced, and i dont know why. probably i'm just bad with numbers?

after school on sunday, i was completely burnt out. thought of going home, but its sabbath day and i thought that maybe i should be in church, alone to reflect on whats going on in my life lately. very much like the weekly updates that we have during meetings all the time at work. and so i was there alone making my way to the center front section and found myself a seat beside many young people. while worshiping, i noticed the deaf ministry at the front right, doing their very best, hand signing the songs that we sing. and because of this, i realised how foolish i am, how silly i can be at times where my selfishness flooded my distracted mind.

wad do i have that is terribly wrong compared to those people who's coping with their disabilities? nothing worse den what they are going through in life i'm sure. i was just to full of myself to keep thinking about what i want and what i need in life, that i have been so resentful with all the other stuff that had been planned for me. i broke down at the thought of it. i tried holding back my tears but they keep flowing in silence. even the closest to me at home, my mum, suffering from bone disorder for more den 23yrs yet still being dutiful as my mother.

i prayed for her.

den i asked myself, what have i been doing for the past few years? wasting my life away completely. often too indulged in things that i shouldnt be. why should i worry so much when i shouldnt have? nobody should worry about the future at all for today has its own worry. nobody should even carry their burden, its not for us to anyway. and this brings me to think through about everything else. havent really spoken to hazel lately. there are things that i wish to say but because of the communication barrier we have, it will only make things worse. she's probably not in a good mood too anyway. i am really helpless with it, and the best thing for me to do now might just be keeping a distance. trying not to say anything to avoid further misunderstanding. i know its not healthy and doesnt solve any thing, but things just doesnt work each time i try talking to her. seriously.

maybe one day, i'll be gone so abruptly that noone will know where i am and what i am doing. maybe i will be better remembered that way.

#1 my first letter

why do i always blog when i m most depressed? i really cant seem to find an answer to it still. i m like a pathetic lil boy who had noone to talk to, and here i am talking to the cyber air. or is it not true? maybe i could express myself better typing rather that speaking bluntly which happens most of the time. i dunno if its just me, that i always receive undesirable results each time i tried to talk things out with someone else.

i am so tired of being so careful about what i say and the anxiety of being at my best is driving me nuts. my brain is cracking up den i always find myself staring into blanks even while i'm driving. like how i almost crash my car last night when i'm sending hazel back home. there are just loads and loads of things going on in my mind... and i really cant find the right words to fill in those emptiness. even at work i would just let my thoughts roam around mindlessly as if hoping for the holy spirits to speak to me, as if i really needed them to tell me what i should do. but as a matter of fact, maybe i really do.

why have i been so defensive to myself in every relationship i am in? is it really becos of the shit i have been through before in that relationship? hazel told me that the more i search the lesser i find. there are really alot of answers i hope to seek, but each time i attempt to know, i just got denied, or even worse, got disappointed.

you know... there are tonnes of things that i would like to do in life... and a large part of it is to share it with someone i love and someone who really loves me. that special someone must be willing to spend the rest of her life with me... and never to let go. someone who is ready to tell me that she will ALWAYS love me and NEVER let me go. yea... thats wad i really need to know... and that everything else doesnt really matter.

up to this point in the relationship with hazel, i am confused. it all happened abruptly with some reasons that noone can understand. it all started beautifully until time... TIME scarred everything. each day i will only feel my heart wrenching in pain, asking my dear Father in heaven WHY is it so? why am i deprived from something so simple? its like i am driven further away from my hopes and dreams, where i ended up with emotional spasm each time before i sleep. i dont understand why the test again and again. do i have to end up emotionless someday before i can finally settle down?

i am unsure about everything at this very moment... very lost. maybe what i want isnt really that simple at all? oh dear... words just just words huh? they dun carry as much weight as before. maybe i will never ever be involved in a proper relationship.

so... tell me... where shld i go from here? tell me your plans.