#1 my first letter

why do i always blog when i m most depressed? i really cant seem to find an answer to it still. i m like a pathetic lil boy who had noone to talk to, and here i am talking to the cyber air. or is it not true? maybe i could express myself better typing rather that speaking bluntly which happens most of the time. i dunno if its just me, that i always receive undesirable results each time i tried to talk things out with someone else.

i am so tired of being so careful about what i say and the anxiety of being at my best is driving me nuts. my brain is cracking up den i always find myself staring into blanks even while i'm driving. like how i almost crash my car last night when i'm sending hazel back home. there are just loads and loads of things going on in my mind... and i really cant find the right words to fill in those emptiness. even at work i would just let my thoughts roam around mindlessly as if hoping for the holy spirits to speak to me, as if i really needed them to tell me what i should do. but as a matter of fact, maybe i really do.

why have i been so defensive to myself in every relationship i am in? is it really becos of the shit i have been through before in that relationship? hazel told me that the more i search the lesser i find. there are really alot of answers i hope to seek, but each time i attempt to know, i just got denied, or even worse, got disappointed.

you know... there are tonnes of things that i would like to do in life... and a large part of it is to share it with someone i love and someone who really loves me. that special someone must be willing to spend the rest of her life with me... and never to let go. someone who is ready to tell me that she will ALWAYS love me and NEVER let me go. yea... thats wad i really need to know... and that everything else doesnt really matter.

up to this point in the relationship with hazel, i am confused. it all happened abruptly with some reasons that noone can understand. it all started beautifully until time... TIME scarred everything. each day i will only feel my heart wrenching in pain, asking my dear Father in heaven WHY is it so? why am i deprived from something so simple? its like i am driven further away from my hopes and dreams, where i ended up with emotional spasm each time before i sleep. i dont understand why the test again and again. do i have to end up emotionless someday before i can finally settle down?

i am unsure about everything at this very moment... very lost. maybe what i want isnt really that simple at all? oh dear... words just just words huh? they dun carry as much weight as before. maybe i will never ever be involved in a proper relationship.

so... tell me... where shld i go from here? tell me your plans.