#2 Grace

its been a not so eventful weekend. spent my saturday and sunday in school, cracking my head on the subject that i hated most when i was in poly, accounting. i still remembered that my balance sheet never seems to be balanced, and i dont know why. probably i'm just bad with numbers?

after school on sunday, i was completely burnt out. thought of going home, but its sabbath day and i thought that maybe i should be in church, alone to reflect on whats going on in my life lately. very much like the weekly updates that we have during meetings all the time at work. and so i was there alone making my way to the center front section and found myself a seat beside many young people. while worshiping, i noticed the deaf ministry at the front right, doing their very best, hand signing the songs that we sing. and because of this, i realised how foolish i am, how silly i can be at times where my selfishness flooded my distracted mind.

wad do i have that is terribly wrong compared to those people who's coping with their disabilities? nothing worse den what they are going through in life i'm sure. i was just to full of myself to keep thinking about what i want and what i need in life, that i have been so resentful with all the other stuff that had been planned for me. i broke down at the thought of it. i tried holding back my tears but they keep flowing in silence. even the closest to me at home, my mum, suffering from bone disorder for more den 23yrs yet still being dutiful as my mother.

i prayed for her.

den i asked myself, what have i been doing for the past few years? wasting my life away completely. often too indulged in things that i shouldnt be. why should i worry so much when i shouldnt have? nobody should worry about the future at all for today has its own worry. nobody should even carry their burden, its not for us to anyway. and this brings me to think through about everything else. havent really spoken to hazel lately. there are things that i wish to say but because of the communication barrier we have, it will only make things worse. she's probably not in a good mood too anyway. i am really helpless with it, and the best thing for me to do now might just be keeping a distance. trying not to say anything to avoid further misunderstanding. i know its not healthy and doesnt solve any thing, but things just doesnt work each time i try talking to her. seriously.

maybe one day, i'll be gone so abruptly that noone will know where i am and what i am doing. maybe i will be better remembered that way.